All Things Resolve In the Color Green

“The pine stays green in winter... wisdom in hardship.” –Norman Douglas

A beautiful soul once came into my life at a time when I needed it most. It was a time of turmoil, a time of figuring out just who I really was, and a time to delve into the depths of my internal being to understand who this person was that I had been staring in the mirror at for nearly 18 years. We had met briefly a few years before, but it was that particular summer that I will never forget. It was an unlikely friendship that produced deep love and respect on a level that I cannot begin to describe. It was not the kind of love that you feel for your spouse, child, or even best friend, and one that I most likely will never feel again in this lifetime.

I begin my journey writing here with this story because it is this person who first helped me to realize what it was that I was seeking in life. I was 17 years old and entering college. I was moving out of my parents’ house for the first time.

I was green.

I wanted a voice. I wanted to be heard. I wanted peace. I wanted to love. And I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to service my community. I wanted to make a difference in this world. I wanted to be respected.

17 years later, again I yearn. A few more things have been added to my want list, a few of those things I have accomplished, and a few of those things simply do not matter anymore. I sit here once again trying to define myself, trying to unravel all of the layers that have grown over the years. It is amazing how over time things that really do not matter begin to define you - and how much it hurts when they are gone.

A few months ago I lost of piece of myself. No, I did not lose a loved one. No, I did not lose a friend. I did not lose anything of any significance to anyone else but me. I lost something that I now realize defined me to an extent that it was masking the real me. I have been stumbling around trying to fill that void and make sense of my new world and have now come full circle to the place I once sat 17 years ago.

During this journey to clarity, I revert back and reflect on the phrase my beautiful friend once helped me define. All things resolve in the color green.